Moments When Facebook Told Me That People Don’t Change.

1) The Sometimes Friend

I went to school with a dude named Baban(Imaginary Name). Baban was odd in that he’d be your friend one week, and the next he wouldn’t talk to you. By middle school, he’d moved away. Up until then, I thought Baban’s behavior was specific to me until a friend said, “Remember Baban? That dude was a total fairweather friend.” Others agreed. Baban was weird like that with everyone, apparently.

So when he sent me a friend request on Facebook a couple years ago - nearly a half decade later - I accepted. Whatever, dude. Water under the bridge, right? Good to be Internet friends with you. Can’t wait to go through your vacation photos for no reason.

According to Facebook, his girlfriend went to the same college as me and she was a good friend of mine, so it’s possible he found me because she and I were in the same network. Apparently, he was going to another college nearby. Weeks had passed since he added me, so one day I figured I’d send him a message and ask if he was ever in town. If he’s around, then why not get a coffee or something, right?

But then I couldn’t get to his profile to send him a message. Because he had unfriended me.

For no reason, I’d guess. We hadn’t even corresponded with each other yet. Disappointing, but not surprising, I guess. Should’ve seen it coming.

2) Social Makeup Girl

I used to work with a girl named Shoorpanakha(Once Again An Imaginary Name. Actually, I'm quite good in this naming thing). Shoorpanakha was pretty, and hung with the popular crowd. She always wore makeup to the point where you noticed, “hey, she’s wearing makeup,” but she was nice. She was quiet, but I got the idea she might be party girl outside the office. (Isn’t that what you assume the popular crowd does outside the office? Go to drunken parties all the time?) I don’t think she was necessarily a shallow person, but my interactions with her were always short and polite, lacking any real substance, and I was cool with that.

Flash forward 4 years later, and she’s sending me a Facebook friend request. And guess what? We have over 55 friends in common. Over fifty-five! Wow! You’d think we were good friends, given that number! Whoa!

I click through to her profile pictures and in a few of them, she’s wearing so much makeup she kinda looks like The Joker. (But, like, a sexy, partying Joker? Is that a thing?) Either way, nobody in the last 4 years had sat her down and told her that the point of makeup isn’t for people to think “Wow, she’s wearing a lot of makeup!” But whatever. My point is, the weird  makeup thing was not an office phase. It was a lifestyle, apparently.

And, while I don’t think that a Facebook friendship is a sacred bond built on trust and mutual admiration, I still think it’s a kind of a dick move to send out friend requests to everyone you vaguely recognize. So, imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when Shoorpanakha had included a personal message with her Facebook friend request!

I opened the friend request email, and it said this:

Shoorpanakha wants to be friends with you on Facebook.

[Thumbnail image of her smiling, super-tanned face]

Shoorpanakha says, “Include a personal message…”.

How sweet. She somehow sent me the default message text that’s supposed to disappear as soon as you click inside the personal message form field.

I wondered, did she send that same message to the other 55 people that we share as friends, or was I special? Was she maintaining our tradition of being vaguely aware of each other while she stayed pretty and I stayed judgmental on the Internet, or did it just work out that way? Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that things don’t change.