Your Blue Eyes And My Black Heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of being a good friend. To be honest, I don't think I can ever be. Never was, never will. It's not like friends don't mean anything to me. It's just that I couldn't bring myself to care more than I would. It's not like I don't need them. It's just that I can live without them.

I didn't know friendship would be so exhausting. For once I just want things to not be so annoying and complicated but I always ended up with such shitty people. Maybe they don't get me, maybe they annoy the fuck out of me or maybe it's just me. I know it's just me. I'm the problematic one. For god's sake, maybe I should just learn how to fucking have a heart for real this time.

Or maybe it's time for me to just get out of this mess and start living in my own world.

Streetlights.

I've always found streetlights strangely beautiful.

I'm sure more people would, if only they took the time to look up. We often ignore what our eyes can't see, but then again, you can't ignore what your eyes never know. 

Bright, like candles hanging in midair above the terraces and ever changing colours of the traffic lights below. Above the green go, amber slow, red no, they stand stationary waiting for the light to break the dusk. 

Nothing but still, watching the blur of headlights. Silent and static amidst the chaos. It's a sight to look up and see this luminescence framed by some vast expanse of dark and stars flickering softly in the background. "Turn your head up" is all they'd ever ask if they could speak. Politely, of course.

Emptiness

It sucks not to have that one good friend who's always there beside you at school. It sucks not to have those friends who's always proud of your achievements and believe that you can do better. It really sucks. I always have that moment where I simply close my eyes, recalling all the memories that I used to share with my closed friends. I can feel their absence. I can picture their smile. And I can hear their voices of laughter, slowly killing me from the inside. A part of me just got weaken everytime I wish they were here with me. So I will force myself to open my eyes, to get my feet on the ground, because there's no more that one person who would remind me not to take advantage of everything that I have now. After all those loneliness I have to face, those days where I end up crying because I feel like I couldn't turn to anybody and those times where I choose not depend on anybody else, I actually learn something form it; I've learn to be independent. 

And I manage to live in the emptiness of being alone.

Football conversation with a colleague.

(Setting: My office. A football game plays on the television.)

Colleague: How ‘bout Chelsea?

Me: It's a football team.

That’s it. That was the entire conversation.

I can’t talk about football with any knowledge or passion. I don’t have football opinions. I can just recite broad facts, and at that moment the best I could do was, “Chelsea is a football team.”

After our ultra-manly football chat I think he just kinda walked away while I pretended to sip from a can of Pepsi that’d probably been empty for several minutes at that point.

I would freak the fuck out if I saw that thing walking up my stairs.

This is the best unintentionally horrifying video I’ve seen in a long time. There’s hardly a second in this video that isn’t deeply disturbing.


Here are some highlights:


0:01: One second in, and this person clearly has no concept of where Minnie’s head is facing. Also, why is this video being shot in a staircase?


0:03: The balloons aren’t filled with helium so when this person waves, they’re really just waving around a bunch of sad balloons. It’s like they forgot they were holding balloons in the first place.


0:06: Why did the person in the Minnie costume walk up the steps and then down them? Was there someone off-camera shooing them down the steps and whispering, “You know you can’t leave the basement! Get down there!”? Is this person being forced to wear the Minnie Mouse costume?


0:11: If this is a happy birthday video for one kid, then why did she just say hello to five different kids?


0:22: You know that time Jitendra sang “Happy Birthday” to Babita and it was tolerable? This is the opposite of that.


0:28: Another clumsy balloon wave. The fact that she(?) is crammed into a staircase makes it even more depressing.


0:36: This is apparently a video for someone named Aaron Gonzaga, but that sign definitely says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY 3 TODAY AARON GONZARA.” It makes an otherwise desperate video look strangely insincere. If you’re going to force a sad person to wear a Minnie Mouse costume and sing to some kid over the Internet, at least give them an accurate sign.


0:45: The pitch of her voice combined with that little shimmy move makes me wonder if maybe this whole video is some kind of D-garde art performance and we’re just not in on it. Or maybe this video’s some kind of horrible crime footage? Who knows? That’s art for ya!


0:47 Why did she just violently shake the balloons like that? That actually looked kinda menacing. “See these limp balloons? Well, I’m shakin’ ‘em! And they’re YOU!”


0:55: Not realizing where her head is pointing, Minnie Mouse appears to be talking to the floor now.


1:00: That is the most terrifying giggle I have ever heard.


1:15: She just called herself Mickey Mouse. She is in a Minnie Mouse costume.


1:22: She appears to have run out of things to say and is just clapping and repeating “Happy Birthday, Aaron” until the person with the camera mercifully stops filming.


1:32: “See you soon in Disneyland” sounds like a weird plea when it comes from an adult shouting up at you from a staircase.


Sorry about the nightmares, everyone!

Just one of those nights.

Just one of those nights


Can sleep, but choose not to.


Rather stay up late, and wait for something.


Something that will never come. 


But my head keeps telling me to wait anyway.


Maybe I should start listening to my heart.


As soon as I find it. 

Idiot should be a culture.

Go to any news channel these days and you see, they flash their stories into astons or tabs. You have main, sports, business, all the important stuff that people need to know. But very few do.


Then there's showbiz. You wonder, what does showbiz have to do with the world? I would imagine we can live in a world without one. But then, we wouldn't have the opportunity to enjoy the works of say, SRK, Amithabh or any other great 'A' list actors. Fair enough.


But that's not what the headlines there really tell you is it?


A recent visit to the Indian news channel inclined me to pen (PEN?) this phenomenon. Some of the headlines include:


"Mika-Rakhi Sawant patch up 'yet again'."


"Priyanka taken to Hospital with Flu"

Even CNN IBN:


"Beti B has been rechristened Bitiya for now, she looks a lot like Ash, and the Bachchan's dog is jealous of her"


I'm not bashing these specific news channels. Don't get me wrong. Please don't sue me with defamation.


Are these stories really necessary for the general public? What is our obsession with beautiful people that we need to know about Rakhi Sawant patch up, even though that is a source of endless humour. Two stupid people getting together and that's what you get, really. Amazing.


This really, is what the world has come to. That Priyanka has got a simple flu is newsworthy is quite stunning.


I should get off my high horse and remind myself that I too, sometimes enjoy these fluff pieces. It's a welcome relief to the seriousness of reality, but really, it isn't a necessity at all.


The money that these people are paid to look beautiful is also quite amazing actually. Granted if it's something they've worked for, they deserve paycheques that have the same number of zeros as the number of germs underneath my shoe.


But Rakhi Sawant? Really?


A really big ass, two failed relationships and a slightly dysfunctional family. I'd say she's not worth the amount she's paid. If she were a pornstar actually, the money she gets would probably be deserved, but not for whatever important work she's done.


In fact, I really cannot recall anything that she has been involved in. Couple of failed item numbers? 'B' grade Movie?


Perhaps it isn't really her fault for cashing in on her fame. It really is our fault, society. We're so obsessed with their antics that fan the flame of their popularity. The media is driven by demand, and we demand that someone tell us the dating history of Ranbir Kapoor.


Perhaps it's the fame that we really crave.


And sadly so.


It's a weird world out there, and I'm part of it.